Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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