I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
