I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
