I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
