I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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