You made me cry and you don't even care
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize