don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
