This dress was meant to end up on your floor
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
