you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
