He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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