someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize