party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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