At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Will you blow on my dice?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
