I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
