My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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