Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
