i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
