i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
