Michael Bay diarrhea
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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