No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
