i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
