thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im six kinds of drunk right now
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
