The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
50% drunk capacity currently
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
