I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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