Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
