I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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