I can text with my tongue
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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