do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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