This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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