I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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