I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
