How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
