I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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