Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
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