I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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