U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
