When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
