I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
