Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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