my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
