when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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