now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
