If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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