if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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