Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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