i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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