Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
