I intend to get homeless drunk
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
