She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
