I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
