New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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