oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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