about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
