Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
