Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
