While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
