Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
