saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
